Conficker Virus Prevention

I don't see what all the fuss is, it's soooooo..... simple to keep your machine protected!

The Matrix

Due to popular demand, and confusion of how my constituents should address me, I have prepared the following Ken, Kenny, Kenneth Matrix. 

Proper use examples are as follows:

Ken, would you like to join us for cigars and brandy on aft deck?

Kenny are you riding bikes tomorrow?

Kenneth is only to be used in the most formal of occasions. i.e mortgage closing and sentencing to prison. All instances must be approved when conditions are met as described by the astericks in the above matrix.

Double Checked

I'm hoping to get some time outside on the bike today. I've had a pretty chill rest week. For the geek nation my Training Stress Balance finally rose above Zero for the first time since December. The roads look clear, but right know its a little nippy out there.  To pass the time I decided to double check the exact center of my living room.  I was relieved to find out it didn't get any bigger!

MFK 4, Specialized 1

I successfully warrantied my 4th Specialized Toupe Saddle yesterday.  I love these things but they don't last more than a year.  I'm at a weird point in my cycling carreer,  I might actually pay retail for something.  I want the Phenom, the MTB version of this saddle.  I might go against my no retail stance considering I've milked specialized for $600 worth of gear retail.

The Syrens' Song of Refigerators

It refrigerator cleanout time at work. That means I get some good eats for the weekend. Check out the two Panera Bread Box Lunches that are all mine at 4 pm! I am confused about the 13th month though?

The freezer side is chock full of Hungry Man TV dinners.  I have complete deniability for my food theft issues, what you didn't have your name on it sucker!

On the snowfall front I got a good 18"  It looks like there is a weak layer that is going to slide.  You never can be too careful when taking out the trash. Could be a wicked convexity brewing.

So the front end loader was a little overkill for snow removal.  A 5 yard bucket will go right through the snow an excavate the asphalt below.  With all this muscle the missed the key step of removing the 3' drift in front of everyones garage.  This rendered all snow removal efforts useless. They got the cart before the horse in on this one.  A clear street is useless if you can't get to it.  I got my cardio work clearing a 20' access tunnel to the street from my garage.

I think most of the streets will be dry by tomorrow, I should be able to get out for a couple of hours on the road.  In my book this was a crap storm.  It was more than the 6" that effs things up, but not enough to cancel work. Or more importantly allow me to ski the mountain behind me.  If it snows 18" it might as well go all the way to 3' thats when the benefits kick in. This snow was in no mans land.

Snow or No Forecast

I predict an all or nothing storm. 2" or 2'.  Since my sister is in Western Kansas right now, probably just passing the world largest Prairie Dog as I type,  we will probably get the 2'.  I predict her and her husband will be stranded in my bike infested town-home for the weekend. I'll be sleeping on the couch because my guest bedroom looks like the back room of a bike shop.  At least my brother-in-law can make great bar-b-que. Alas, I have no smoker.  The upside is I have a liquor store about 400 yards away, and the owner lives in my hood so he walks to work. I'm also looking forward to my HOA dollars at work, I like drinking coffee and watching people shovel my walk and drive.  Especially since they can mow or pick up trash worth a hoot!

How my knee compares to a rip in the Earths Crust

So I was looking at my scabbed up knee from wreck.  I was imagining that molten lava coursed through my arteries, and occasionally broke the surface where it was weak. Then I realized it kinda looked like the Hawaiian Islands. Maybe my subconscious is telling me that I need to go there?

Shin Tanner on Craigslist

I posted my intellectual property on Craigslist. I'll let you know if I get any hits.

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/1090236434.html

Shin Tanner

I was walking around my neighborhood and I realized I had a ridiculous tan.  I guess that separates a cyclist from someone who rides their bike.  I have the normal farmer tan, but I also have two tan spots on my forehead. I tell people it's the scars from removing my horns. I also have very tan calves with a zebra stripe of knee warmers and long socks. Perhaps the strangest thing is pasty white shins. They seem to be sheltered from any UV from my thighs, or perhaps the constant headwinds I ride in prevent sun-burn.  So I mocked up a prototype reflector to concentrate the suns rays on my shins. It would strap to my thighs and project outwards beyond my knees.  It would have some sort of gyroscopic immobilizer to isolate the reflector from the leg movement.  IT might look a little silly at first but fashion is a bitch.

What were up against.

Colorado is infested with mutants.  No they can't shoot lightning bolts out their eyes, or summon thunderstorms but they can pedal bicycles. I participated, and I use this term loosely, in a no-name criterium Saturday.  It was the who's, who of guys that didn't quite make the cut for a trip to Europe for the Spring Classics. I fully expected to see team cars pull up.  Take for example mutant 1 or,M1 this dude lapped the entire field in less than 10 minutes.  Not bad for a father of three from the Burbs just out for a Saturday ride.

Cycling Related Post #2

So I think I'm doing pretty good.  I started Steady State, Sweet Spot, whatever you want to call them intervals at the first of the month and I think the effects are setting in.  Last week in Fruita I I was able to open it up a bit and I felt like I had plenty of gas.  This week the intervals have been longer duration, but I've been able to hold a higher average power over the period. Man I want to do that TT again. I bet I got a lot more power in the tank now. I'm debating about a rest week next week, I could skip it an push through. However, I think the forecasted snow will make my decision for me. I think I'm all road bike this weekend, my hand is still sore from hitting the floor.  Here is an interval power file for your viewing enjoyment.

300 watts average for two 20 minuter aint bad, especially since where I did it is fairly flat.  I could have done a third but they might start missing me at the office. It was also a nice that I had to hold back to stay in the sweet spot window, next month I can drill it.

Call of the Wild

It finally happened. I've been trying to dodge the Courage Classic question for months here at work.  I got the friendly email wanting my info for registration, like it was a done deal. I need to bow out gracefully.  Perhaps some sort of visually stimulated reaction to neon yellow wind jackets is in order. I think I'll fake a seizure in the break room while clutching  a Pearl Izumi Screaming Yello jacket. First I'll need to club someone at Cherry Creek, on my PM ride, and steal theirs. I'm not buying one, ever.

Parking Patterns

So I've noticed everyone at work has a specific parking pattern. I guess it can be attributed by when they arrive, the preferred turning radius of their car, etc.  I think people just like standard, normal, and boring. Monday I'm implementing my new parking protocol. I will be parking in the shape of a 5-pointed star. I'm going to try to enter and leave the spaces to preserve the arms of the star, should be a challenge. I'll update you on my tire wear pattens, should be interesting to see if anything changes.

Whats the Cleanest Thing on Earth?

The inside of a puppies colon? Probably not. An operating room? A clean room? Your friends bathroom? No, no, and no. It's the dishes in your offices dishwasher. They probably have been in their for months getting washed again every night. You know the drill. I need a coffee cup, are these dirty? You look real close, see a suspect stain, and put it back. That night the washer runs, and the dishes are never stocked, thus the cycle repeats.  Just an observation.

Kokopeli Ninja Trees

Sorry for not keeping up the Blog for the last couple of days. Hard to believe I actually was working at work and went to Fruita for a three day Mountain Bike Shakedown.  I feel that I must relay to you the agressive nature of The Ninja tree.  For the second year in a row I was attacked and thrown to the ground by one of these evolutionary top predators.  These tree max out at about six feet.  The lower portions of these guys are beat to hell and broken away by the steady stream of riders that pass by them.  Think of it as millipede that has lost all of it's legs below the neck.  The altitude that I ride at they still have their arms, and they are pissed. One of these guys grabbed me in a corner and threw me down! In the ensuing crash two of my fingers were bent in way that we don't talk about at parties.  Back at camp my hand swelled up to triple the size of it's right hand partner. It looked like the peoples hands in Wall-E. I was pretty sure I broke something in there. Did I tell you that 2 hrs off road with a jacked up hand is not fun? So going against all things manly, meaning just ignore it and use your good hand, I got an xray

As you can see from the pic, no broken bones.  I dodged a bullet (or a ninja sword) with this one.  Here's me giving the OK sign

Who's Gettin' My Muffin?

Attention: This is an actual post about cycling and contains somewhat boring information on power based training.  There is no better way to end a 20 hr week than with a 20  minute TT. (Really don't try it)  Last Sunday I did my first official road TT.  I have no TT gear so I looked pretty stupid out there, or did I look normal and the rest were stupid? It became very apparent that even at amateur levels, aero gear is an advantage. Anyway I got second in CAT 5, I don't get it I'm a pro off-road but Cat 5 on-road? TT's are a little hard for me, I don't feel like going hard until it's almost over. The results are a little suspect they listed then in 24hr time by your finish time. So in theory finish time minus start time is your time. But start times were delayed so it's anybodies guess.  No matter, I looked at it as a Functional Threshold Power Test.  I sent my power file to an "expert" and let him determine my FTP.  I'm up 10 watts in the last month 0r close to 5%. Thats pretty good for trained individuals.  I had to re-calibrate my power levels, from here on out everything gets harder.  I'm off work tommorow, I wonder who is going to eat my muffin?

Useful Baby Items

Seems like everyone I know is married, getting married, or having a baby. Mostly because no women meet my high standards. (insert comment here) I maintain my erotic relationship with my bicycle. My recent field trip to Babies-r-us opened my eyes to some products that perhaps would be better marketed to cyclists. Take for example the Wee Block

This protective cover. made of what looks like recycled tennis balls, could serve as a wind block on particularly cold days. Seriously like this is going to work on a baby they are going to be squirming all over the place. The next item that caught my eye was this paste.

I think you could apply this before and perhaps after the ride. I was a little confused in the aisle. One reads "New" and the other has no comment.  The "All Natural" still scares me a bit. I don't want anything that is new and all natural that has come from a butt. On the cycling front I did do a TT on Sunday, but no results yet.

Puppy Pad Performance Testing

For some reason, someone brought in Puppy Pads and left them in the break room. I couldn't resist them.  Finally I had to see how much water they could hold.

I used a standard issue red keg cup as the test vessel. I first started to pour from a height of about 18". I guess that would be about Yellow Lab shlong height. I quickly realized that was a bad idea.  I got the proverbial "Cow pissing on a flat rock effect".  After all these are "puppy pads" and a puppy shlong hangs low.  I then continued the experiment at a much lower altitude.  I got two full cups without any overflow. I think it could have handled a third, but I decided not to risk it. Pretty darn impressive if you ask me.

The Blue Room Diaries

I thought I'd write it here for proof it was my idea. I want to write a coffee table book entitled "The Blue Room Diaries",under the pseudonym of  MFK of course.  The soon to be icon would have picture of the interior walls of port-a-jons, affectionally known as blue rooms in construction lingo.  I've spent a lot of time in these things, and you would be surprised at the depth of literary wit that hangs on these walls.  I'd like to thank Sharpie for the fine instrument that made much of my future nest egg possible.  If people buy "Everybody Poops" why not this?

It's My Fault

So I go upstairs a lot, I confess I like the toilet up there better than down stairs. It's a high boy, my knee still hurt when I get low on the toilet or at the club.  I just wanted to let everybody know that I adjusted the emergency lighting to shine directly in your eyes as you go down the stairs. I hope nothing bad happens. I'll probably re adjust on monday if I get bored.

If My Brain Was a Bicycle Shop Floor

In an attempt to gain insight to the workings of the complex super computer that is MFK's cortex I offer you simple visual aids.

Take for example this picture, at first it is a jumbled mass of cycling paraphernalia. On the surface it has no structure, no purpose, no direction. It seems to only exist to take up space.  That is probably what most people see when they meet me.  Oddly enough thats what I want them to see, it's a clever camouflage really. Upon closer examination of this pile the physical properties of each item allowed for minute relational differences between each others spacial arrangement. The flat items worked their way to the bottom. Small malleable items, in this case fork seals, filled in the small gaps. The more angular items habitate the periphery, as if to contain the "wildness" Something about the tires that always float to the surface, same as in landfills.  When I walked in to the shop yesterday I had a laundry list of items needed for my bike build. Everything I needed was in this pile, no matter how random. Just because I seem random, not serious, or do things in a different way don't think that I'm not on top of my shit for 1 second.

Careful Observations

So as I stared at my wall yesterday I made some careful observations.  Take for example our supply room.

Notice how our office supplies are getting the soft afternoon light. Here is out files room.

Again those purchase orders are lazily basking in the radiation of a thousand Chernobyl's 93 million miles away. Don't forget Skynet.

Notice how Skynet is the direcet recipient of Natural light provided by the only skylight in the building. I kinda of understand this one, we wouldn't want the "Machines" gettin pissed and rising pre-maturely.  Now my office.

So my only window to the world is the internet, pleas don't pull the curtains on me.

Cherry Creek TT Geek Hierarchy

I must relay to you (The MFK Militia or is it the MFK Special Forces, that's what I call my fans) a hilarious event that occurred not more than 15 minutes ago. I've started to add some structured interval work to my lunch rides. Today was 3 x 15 minutes at a prescribed wattage with some recovery time in between. So naturally I pass some people when I'm on and they usually catch up to me when I'm off.  I apparently pissed of the Grand Pooba of TT Geekdom today.  Yes he riding some weird TT geek bike with even more stupid double seat water bottle holders was pissed. By the way he had two mismatched water bottles on the back and a third on the frame. I must tell you that you need this much hydration when your out for your lunch ride from the Tech Center. As I accelerated past him he said something, me in a little bit of distress really didn't feel like chatting him up, simply waved. He proceeded with shouts of "any time" and he kept on repeating "54 30" I didn't really get it was he telling me he has a bigger chain ring than me?  He drafted, well tried to draft me for another six minutes. When my time was up I said "dude I'm just trying to hold a wattage, I really don't understand what your issue is?" He then babbled more "Any Times" and then he told me his Lactate Threshold wattage as I rode back towards work.  I hope he's out tomorrow, I love messing with people like that.  Maybe I'll pass him doing a one-legged pedaling drill.  That will really piss him off!

It was this man. Apparently he stole a whole bunch of crap from David Zabrinski.  I should probably be careful.

Blue Light Special

The Mountain States Cup prices just fell faster than a stone kite. It is now a manageable 55 for pros.

I looked for a solid 10 minutes for a picture, sorry.

Swimsuit Season

Yes, as soon as the weather starts to warm up. The women in my office start thinking about how much they are eating. In the last two days I have been inundated by half sandwiches, the random fries that are ignored, and the cookies that just aren't in the plan. It's a little funny I come back from my lunch ride and these things are placed on my desk like a ceremonial offering.  Yes if it wasn't for these ladies and there relentless pursuit of rock hard abs, I simply wouldn't exist

So I wonder if food network would be interested in my daily struggle to consume my coworkers calories. Sure I could actually make my own lunch, but how much fun would that be? You got to be on top of the food Pyramid. Chat up the receptionist, befriend the BD department, find out who is getting married all are incredible calorie confidents.

Finally WaTched It

Just so you know the movie Van Wilder is awesome!