Just a suggestion

If you see this guy in your driveway, don't let him in, and call the CDC.

Yuki's Transformation

He will probably never see this but I think it's funny. Don't ask me how I found these pics.

Example 1.

Camel Back and a water bottle and a face plant.

Example 2:

International Super Model

Like a GORT

I'm going to practice being a GORT today. I will be completely still, only reacting to stimuli if necessary. I hope the internet stimulates me.

Silly Terrorists

Swine Flu, is this all you got?  Need I remind you that 20,000 people died in Africa as a result of snakebite last year. Asia had like 50,000. Why in the U.S. we average like 15-20. This is a far more effective way to scare us. Watch Snakes on A plane, or Anaconda that will strike fear in to our hearts.  Don't even get me started on smoking, that has killed more people than small pox. Swine Flu, Bird Flu.  Christ 5700 people died in the U.S. of food poisoning last year.  Hell I almost killed myself 3 times on my bike last year in the old mfk-flu-over-his-bars-in-to-pissed-off-rocks-enza. Needless to say I'm taking every precaution look what I did to my bed. It is flu and snake hardened.

Surrounded

I picked up my bottles last night. I surrounded myself with them. It looked like one of those creepy movies scenes with all the candles lit with the half melted wax dripping all over. I think the one in the corner was talking to me. It was asking if he was going to be the first to be jettisoned, like some spent stage of a moon rocket. His life over, only to spend eternity in some bush with a festering blob of unconsumed energy drink in it's bowels. I think I'll name them, and put the date on them. It will be like doing it to turtles and recapturing them years later.

What Gets a Cyclist Excited

Water bottles my friends, that's what. Imagine being able to toss your bottle in a race without remorse because you have a crap-load of them. Oh the wonders of Craigslist. 

I've been searching water bottles for two years. I am finally rewarded with 50 soft top Specialized bottles, (I'm a bottle snob and these are the good ones) all brand new.

Not bad for $15.

Weather People

I'm at my limit with the forecasting abilities of local weather personalities. Yes, they are personalities not actual forecasters.  They torpedoed both of my rides this weekend with their Yak Blood and broken bones forecast. Today I'll bash the 9 News Crew.

Kathy

Whoops I did it again. The only actually time I am correct is when I'm in the 9 news Backyard. If Im getting wet it must be snowing or raining. I started handing out the 9 News Red Umbrellas because I was wrong soooo much it even pissed me off.  I used to be hot, but now I'm getting crusty. I also have man-hands. Check it out when she does the "Low pressure sweeping form the North" arm movement.

Ashton

I'm not actually old enough to work on TV. My weather prowess is form a merit badge I got in the scouts. I also just learned from watching Deadliest Catch on Discovery that "Red Skies in Morning, Sailor take Warning" saying.  I randomly call people on the east coast and ask what color the sky is to help me out.  I enjoy skiing, my favorite run is School Marm at Keystone. I also used to sell snow tires in Phoenix.

Marty

I can't concentrate with Kathy around. I really wanted to be a sports caster but it wasn't in the cards. I also blew it by reporting the game scores wrong.  It was just too hard to be correct.  Thank goodness for weather.com I wouldn't have a thing to say.  I also gave Kathy the man hands by replacing her lotion with Acetone. Damn umbrellas, that was my idea!

Terminate Thy Self

I really didn't feel this bad, looks can be deceiving.

3-2-1 Contact

It all started with sweet pickles and 3-2-1 contact. Smart moms know how kids minds grow upon sweet pickles.  Well that’s what the commercials said. When I was a kid I was sick a lot, and stayed home a lot. I like to think that PBS sculpted my mind 3-2-1 Contact was my favorite show, and then when we sprung for cable Mr. Wizard and me were pals.  That kind of educational backbone and pedigree got me in to one of the best engineering schools in the country.  I managed to get a respectable GPA, while only attending 50% of my classes.  I wanted to share with you that how this week all my accumulated knowledge was utilized. For 40 hrs of documented work here is what I have to show for the week in “Real Work”

I copied numbers from one column of an Excel sheet to another column in the same Excel sheet. I then renamed the column heading, and bolded the sum total of the column.  I then emailed this sheet. I guess I don't feel too bad, my cube mate is packaging his golf clubs he just sold on Ebay. 

Use the following tutorial if you need to do some copy and paste action.

Astana's Little Secret

No it's not Lance Doping or doing 23 year old super-models after his kids go to bed.  It is the wholesale disregard for minimum age limits for professional cycling.  It looks like Astana took a chapter from the Chinese's book here. If you believe that on gymnast was 16 or even 13 you need your eyes checked. The kid Brajkovic looks to be about 14 or 15, this may be the first time he has ever been kissed.  Good thing the shot was cut off above the waste. I bet he was excited. Someone tell those girls to kick it with people of their own age. (I'm available for hot Italian women)

Goodies

I put together a few items which I'm sure will be hot summer fashion trends.

I have also partnered with Super 8 motels to bring to you a full line of "quality" MFK inspired linens and textiles for the home,trail and office. Just when you thought there was no price on quality, I have delivered. Notice the color pallet? It's no coincidence.

My First PRO experience

Fruita TT – My current training program has me swapping volume for intensity these last few weeks. Unfortunately the last few weeks have been the type of weather that would make a professional port-a-jon cleaner puke.  So basically I do the intensity but don’t get any of the maintenance miles. I then had a rest week scheduled for the week before Fruita, but I wasn’t really tired. So I was just de-training myself. In short I sucked at the TT. I mean I was slower than last year.  Last year I was so slow I was afraid they were going to charge me extra to race. They had a valid point, I mean they did have to wait around until it got dark for me to come in, and they do get paid by the hour. On the numbers front I rode the first 10 minutes of the TT 30 watts below my race simulation, that’s pretty bad. Shortly after the TT I began to ponder all the things I could have bought instead of a bicycle here is one of them.

 

Man I would be a bad ass at the Cherry Creek shooting range with this thing, 600 rounds a minute of pleasure at that rate you could have burned through almost a 1000 rounds of ammo between my time and the winners time.

In anticipation of the XC I went shopping for one of those slow moving vehicle triangles. I couldn’t find any Amish wagons to steal one off of so I broke down and got one at Wal-Mart.

I also picked up some of these trinkets to outfit my rig for the back of the pack. 

So on to the XC the next day. I really had no anticipation of riding well today, however I did feel better than the day before. After a warmup, which did no good because the race was delayed 30 minutes the start was on.  My first PRO start wasn’t as violent as I anticipated. I was able to stay in the group fairly easily for 10 minutes, even move up. We did one little hill where I had to work pretty hard, then I was hit with another roller that separated me.  I had to slow down and this is where  I imagine my race was over.  I wasn’t concerned about losing the heads of state, just the working class pros that I should be competitive with. The course had a long two track/road descent that my bike really liked. I’ll take a YETI over just about any bike if its straight and downhill.  I caught up to Chad Cheeney. You always know it’s him. I don’t know the guy but he has the worst B.O. of any human. I have been smelling his skank since my early Expert days. The Mesa climb wasn’t too bad, I got in a lot of traffic some other PRO’s were hitting the wall on this thing. I decided to go to the granny just to keep moving around the mine field. The photog was at the top and caught me in all my glory. Perfect sock height documented again.

 

The Climb

I got passed once on the mesa by a 29er guy, who promptly forgot how to ride his bike after he got in front of me, I had to baby sit him down the whole descent. At one point we were going slow enough that I could have grabbed a sandwich and a beer out of the cooler, on a 4-wheeler that was half-wheeling me.

The highlight of the race was the climb out of the river bottom. I usually suck at this point in the race, but I think I found my legs.  I made contact with the next group of guys, but ran out of hill before I could do any real damage to them.

Summing up it wasn’t bad for the first Pro race, I really only needed 4 minutes to get where I wanted to be. If I could have hung with the main group a tad longer I would have gained that time easily. Give me a long hill and who knows. I did get a comped entry to Chalk Creek, so I guess I have to do it. The only problem is my stitching came out of my high quality shorts.  When I took of my pants at the lot my chammy pad literally fell out like a wet tongue. I'm down to one usable pair of team kit, I may be running stealth next week.

 

As soon as I find a stamp.

Comment For the next post

What do you want as the next post I had close to 8 hrs of driving to ponder a myriad of abstract things.

1. Race Report

2. How I think GJ chicks dig me.

3. The Mormon Missile a special project by SPOT brand bikes.

4. Combining the ROM fitness machine and the Total Gym

5. Putting a price on quality?

6. Fun with my finger.

I think I want to be a PRO blogger. Instead of blogging from a Starbucks like Perez Hilton, I want to blog from a bicycle shop floor.

Upping my Tan Line Game

I'll get the race report and hellacious snow drive later, but for now I want everyone to know (especially the ladies) that I'm upping my Tan Line Game.  I my world women love a well demarcated tan line. In fact they salivate at the thought of their  tongue gliding past the event horizon, that is my tan line. My tan lines I envision are like Brittany Spears cleavage, back when she was hot, and less psycho. Check out this pic.

Uh ha, that loud thud you just heard was the collective rumble of thousands of panties dropping simultaneously.  Ladies it's called a Sham-WoW, you may want to purchase one and sit on it before viewing the next picture or reading any further. Pause, place the Sham-Wow, sit down and BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case your wondering I do have a permit for that gun!  Ok I got tan lines, scars, shaved legs what else could a woman possibly want. Tattoos? Tattoos were a fad in high-school get over it. I'd like to see what you think of all those yin and yang, sun, dead head calf tattoos today. 

But milky white shins, boo-ya!

Or lunch lady hands? Can you imagine the ecstasy of these pleasure paws on you?

Sunscreen, what ever. I like it when I see smokers using sunscreen, who are you kidding? Besides you have to take risks to look this good.  I'm working on my Craigslist personal add that includes these pics. I sure hope I don't crash the server with all my responses. Christ I did it once to E-Harmony when I answered the Personality Profile questionnaire,  as Chuck Norris would.  I was compatible with every women in the data base, and they all wanted a immediate direct connection at the same time! It was a long day!

I know that u know that I know that u know your watching me

So I participated in one of my favorite past-times today at lunch, Supermarket Grazing.  I hit every free sample in an apparent random order, but it's not random at all.  I first scope the available fare, grabbing one or two items, like a normal shopper. I then begin to imagine food pairings in my mind. Today it was a pull-a-part garlic bread and seafood pasta salad sandwich. I mixed in a couple of weird cheeses just to be safe.  I even was bold enough to ask for a sample of the Angus Roast Beef.  

I then began to wonder if they (the eye in the sky was watching me). I had an hour to burn so I started on a different path.  I went from the deli to the restroom 3 times, with a basket or items. My intent was to stimulate suspicious behavior.  I then took pictures of random things, while eating more samples.  I also took picture of the cameras.

I doubled back on myself and used my best Bourne Identity skills and never felt followed or watched, maybe I'm invisible? I need to run some more tests.

The Crux

If your planning on racing Rabbit Valley, I have scoped out what I think is the maker or breaker. Or other wise known as the shooting gallery.  There is a nice collection of casings from the finest redneck firearms at the top

This sucker is going to be about 45 minutes in to the race. The good news is it's short, less than a mile. The bad news is it is a 9% grade, the really bad news is that average is deceiving. It has a n extended portion of 20% topping out at 24%. I would suggest a rope.  

Come On Plus 16!

I know you think I'm going to give you some card counting tips, where a +16 is a pretty hot deck allowing you to get black-jack after black-jack.  But I think it will lead to a pretty hot race. My TSB is rising after feeling like a smashed cats ass on Sunday.  One day off and Im up to a +8 and I felt noticeably refreshed on the bike yesterday. Another day off today and possibly Thursday should boost me to uncharted freshness, the mythical +16 and four days of positive territory.  In my mind I have prepared as much as I can for my Pro coming out party, now all is left is to execute.

Go MFK!

Race Report, sort of.

The race simulation went well for at least an hour. I got to the top of that good for nothing fire road in 10 minutes and then settled in to another high quality 10 minute pain session on single track. After wrapping around the park and another climb I descended the box of rocks trail, where I simulated the disappointment of feeling good in a race and then exploding a tire.

I then simulated CO2 exploding in my hand, given the hole pictured above, no flat kit was really going to help me. I then simulated my fall trail running activities to run, walk, and but slide to the closest parking lot to beg for any type of help.  I then simulated what it would feel like to have some strange older man drive me home.  I kept my helmet on in the car, just in case I had to defend myself.  At home I simulated insanity by trying to get my tire to bolt up with an inch long slice in it.  I then simulated being homeless by digging in my dumpster to retrieve the tubeless tire I threw away the night before.  I then had a 15 minute out loud conversation with my self on the merits of continuing my ride or sitting on my couch the rest of the day.  In the end I got back out on the MTB for about 3 more hours. I worked on some much needed MTB skills.  I'd say the cumulative ride and stress simulated a full out race effort for 2 hrs, complete with post race coma, and feeling like ass the next day.  I was so glad it started to rain in the middle of my ride, it was a perfect excuse to watch golf.

Tree Killing

Just in case you wanted to know what happens if you print every cell in an Excel worksheet as one page, well here ya go.  This is what happend. It spooled up 500 some pages before the cancel command was executed.  Maybe this is some sort of Karma from all the people I send spreadsheets to. I sometimes place an random apostrophe or something in cel IM22089 of a sheet. It keeps people on there toes.

Back on the MTB

I finally got back on the MTB after a 3-week hiatus.  No off-road for me since trying as hard as I could to break my hand in Fruita.  It is still a little stiff, especially when it gets cold (like yesterday).  I pre-rode my Race Simulation Course and was surprised that it was 90% dry with just a few puddles.  About the only good thing about the throngs of gapers on Green Mountain is they sure can dry-out the trails fast, albeit usually destroying and widening them in the process.

I tell you I felt slow and uncoordinated. I'm sure the combination of high tire and shock pressure didn't help much.  I have been doing a lot of intervals  and the fatigue is setting in.  Regardless, I had some pretty healthy 10 and 20 minute power numbers.  I'm chilling today, in hopes of crushing it tommorrow.

Race Simulation - Save the Date

I will be conducting the first MFK sponsored race simulation this Saturday at Green Mountain.

11:00 at the Rooney Road Parking Lot. We or just I will ascend the fire road following it all the way to the Antenna, then descend down that one trail, across to the new water tank, contour around to the new swithcbacky trail (the one that killed the best descent in the Park) back to the top road to Box-o-rocks down that thing, back to the fire road and down to the bridge. Variation will be accepted,but this probably will be dry. Maybe that back trail behind the road would be better? Could be snowy?

The goal is to do 3 minutes with my nuts above my eyelballs, 7 minutes with my nuts in my throat, 1o minutes with my nuts in the chest area, and the balance with my nuts in my FUPA. I think this should be an hour, I'd like 1.5 somehow. 

Rules: we have to be somewhat courteous to others. Uphill traffic needs to be given minimum quarter, no buzzing hikers, and no dick moves on the climbs. I would suggest stealth kits, or kits of team you don't like.

For those of you doing Rabbit Valley, I have made a detailed course map.

Then Again

Why can't each of these sections be reversible? Rotating your tread for longer life, or terrain conditions?  Nike it was my idea first.

My Shoe

This is what the bottom of my shoe looks like. I studied it for a good twenty minutes.  Some interesting things came to mind, but none were really blog worthy. The heal did look a water park ride. Talk amongst yourselves.

The Fat Tire Journal

Since I sat on my couch for most of this weekend, instead of a bike seat, I found some cool

YouTube stuff. This is a link for the Yeti Factory tour. Not the Golden one but the Durango one from back in the day. What's cool is this Video is no less than 20 years old. However, one of the main themes of the manufacturing process is sustainability, and Yeti's commitment to the environment. I wonder if the plant in Taiwan pumping out Carbon Frames is doing the same?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPAkGdpkR8Q

Search for the Fat Tire Journal, it has tons of videos from the "Golden Years" of MTB. Back when it was supposed to be as big as NASCAR.

The Slayer

The recent comment about being able to cook food with the heart jump-starter, better than the microwave, precipitated this post.  Let me tell you about the Popcorn Slayer. The micro in my office is an incredible piece of engineering. I have urges to tear it apart and search for Russian letters on the atomic core of this thing. Ok I know, there is nothing radio-active in a micro wave, or that it cooks food with anything remotely close to nuclear fission, but don't you like the image? Imagine looking in to the heart of a nuclear sub and seeing someone boiling water with a microwave. Jules Verne would be so jealous.  Back on topic, this thing has incinerated almost every bag of pop-corn that has come near it. My office compatriots just can't figure it out either.  I even went to the extra step of "blacking" out the POP-CORN button on the front panel with a Sharpie. Still the acrid smell of burnt pop-corn wafts through the office every afternoon.

If your a bag of pop-corn, this is what Hell looks like

 

The only other thing that amazes me more than this is sneezing. Have you ever noticed people look at you in utter amazement when you sneeze.  Just for the record, I've never said "bless-you" to anyone who has sneezed. 

If you're furry you might die.

So my office put all these fancy Portable Electronic Defibrillators all over the place.  I think I'm the only one to notice them.  So I dld what any man would do, I took it in the restroom and read the directions on the toilet. Well to be fair to men I didn't actually read the directions.  I just looked at the pictures.

In the "Ready Kit" I found some interesting things. Rubber gloves, seems cool. Now when I have to lube my chain at work I know where to go to keep my hands clean. Scissors, I presume to cut your clothes off. Finally a Bic Shaver. 

This peaked my interest. So I read up on Acute Heart failure. Apparently If I can shock you within 3 minutes of you hitting the deck, you have a 75% chance of living. Every minute after that it drops by 7-10%.  So since no one has read the directions, except me here is what I calculate your % chance of living is.  

 1. You hit the deck, everyone looks around and each other for a minute. - 1 minute

2. Someone figures out that you are all jacked up. -1 minute

3. Super Panic, someone might actually check you pulse and breathing -2 minutes, total to 4. You are down to 65%.

4. Go get that Defribillator thing, the what, the thing, where, the kitchen, what, get the darn thing - 2 minute down to 45%

5. Open the ready kit, whats all this crap shaver, what am I going to do with this? 35%

6. Charge the machine 25%

7. Shave the victim, seriously that shaver isn't going to remove crap. The victim will probably bleed to death. 15%

8. Pull out the electrodes and shock the crap out of you, leaving you to 5%.

Good thing I read the directions, the only problem is no one can find me or the machine, because I'm on the toilet with it.

Performance Management Chart

For those of you out there that train with power, and use Cycling Peaks WKO, let me tell you I am sold on the Performance Management Chart.

The "Yellow" is supposed to be your Chronic Training Load, meaning how much your buildup of training over the season has been, and how much it is making you "Tired". The pink/fusia whatever color is your Acute Training Load, how much you have done this week/block etc. The fun blue line is your balance, representing fitness. Ideally if you balance rest, intensity, and volume you become trained. I have a high TSB, and my CTL is creeping up in to positive territory. The more negative, the more fatigued you are. I'm trying to raise the CTL while keeping the TSB somewhat flat.  Where all those lines intersected last week, I felt pretty darn good.  If I keep massaging my TSB with a little ATL while raising my CTL I will be an animal. The only problem is I haven't been on the MTB in 3 weeks, mostly because of my hand and the mini ice-age that has descended upon the front  range. So that means I'll probably jack up most of the tech sections in the next race.  Maybe next week will have some good windows to work on some skills. A dozen times through Dakota Ridge ought to kill me or get me dialed. 

Going up this part is the "Stuff of Dreams" it is proceeded by the Log Steps of Agonizing  Death. Going down this part is Proceeded by the Derailleur and Crank Grinding V-Notch of Virility, or the Tool Breaker for short, only to see the Log Steps smiling at you.  I remember riding this on my Nishiki Alien with a RockShox Mag 10, and Cantilever breaks in 1998.  It is somewhat more manageable now with Full Suspension, disk breaks, and 100MM of front travel. I was also like 21, and didn't yet understand just how hard rocks were.  It takes a separated shoulder or two, and a good helmet cracking experience to really bring this point home. Wow this is a really long post!  Maybe as I type I'm feeling better about my life?  Bike memories will do that to you. Bad day, ride your bike. Girl cheats on you or otherwise plays you for the fool, ride your bike. Job sucks, ride your bike. Blizzard this Saturday, eff it I think I'll ride my bike.  

Conflicted?

You ever wake up and feel like you should be doing more with your life?  Sure I got a great job with all the trappings of success, but what is it really doing for anyone, and do I really like it?  Honestly I half ass it most of the time, what could I do if I gave something my whole ass? (not you Scooter) Maybe I'll have a different view tomorrow.

Whatever my inner turmoil, my power numbers on the bike are rising rapidly. Thats something positive. I think I'll be ready for my Pro Debut at Mountain States Cup #1.