If you're furry you might die.

So my office put all these fancy Portable Electronic Defibrillators all over the place.  I think I'm the only one to notice them.  So I dld what any man would do, I took it in the restroom and read the directions on the toilet. Well to be fair to men I didn't actually read the directions.  I just looked at the pictures.

In the "Ready Kit" I found some interesting things. Rubber gloves, seems cool. Now when I have to lube my chain at work I know where to go to keep my hands clean. Scissors, I presume to cut your clothes off. Finally a Bic Shaver. 

This peaked my interest. So I read up on Acute Heart failure. Apparently If I can shock you within 3 minutes of you hitting the deck, you have a 75% chance of living. Every minute after that it drops by 7-10%.  So since no one has read the directions, except me here is what I calculate your % chance of living is.  

 1. You hit the deck, everyone looks around and each other for a minute. - 1 minute

2. Someone figures out that you are all jacked up. -1 minute

3. Super Panic, someone might actually check you pulse and breathing -2 minutes, total to 4. You are down to 65%.

4. Go get that Defribillator thing, the what, the thing, where, the kitchen, what, get the darn thing - 2 minute down to 45%

5. Open the ready kit, whats all this crap shaver, what am I going to do with this? 35%

6. Charge the machine 25%

7. Shave the victim, seriously that shaver isn't going to remove crap. The victim will probably bleed to death. 15%

8. Pull out the electrodes and shock the crap out of you, leaving you to 5%.

Good thing I read the directions, the only problem is no one can find me or the machine, because I'm on the toilet with it.