My bike is trying to kill me

I'm in a tw0 week struggle with my new bicycle. Lets begin I received a new Giant 29er, out of the box it is a fat lady. However, with a diet and work out plan, the flubber hides a tight little bikini body. Stripping her down was easy. The hard part was getting her to accept new parts. Here is the gremlin list.

Rear brake - how many time can you bleed it and it not work. I'm on par with BP for spilled oil.

Crank Bolts - how many of these can you loose? Oh and I'm using an MRP so it has funky washer that is impossible to find.

MRP- I hope it's in the right place. They use a 3 MM Aluminum bolt. The head is good for one use.

Front Brake - This is the loudest thing I have ever heard. I've done everything in the book to shut it's mouth.

Lets talk wheels now - they have a whole special section. Lets just say all this could be avoided if someone I know would order my Stan's wheels.

The wheels are not tubeless so you have to tape the eff out of them. They are a deep-V so the tape does not fit easily in the groove, further more the spoke holes are asymetric so they look like a drunk 4 year old drilled them wherever. Then my stans valves are too small for the giant valve hole. So I have to track down jumbo valves after pushing the small valve through the hole like 10 times. Inflate, re-inflate more tape, more cussing, more stans. (By this time my living room floor has a glossy sheen of stans on it) Yes, I do all my bike maintenance in my living room. Why? #1 I don't care #2 no wife of gf to tell me not to. The upside is my living room can probably run tubeless, I just don't know where to pump it up. So I get bot wheels to cooperate, and hold air for 24 hrs. The next day on my shakedown rid I noticed I mounted my front tire backwards, a directional tire backwards just doesn't work so well. Naturally I had to deflate and remount. Oddly this tire was quite nice to work with. It new that in less than 24hrs it would try to kill me. Luring me in to set the hook. Race day 10 minutes before the start, flat tire. Tube, lots of C02, time trial back to the car for pump more co2 and a tube. (because for the record tubes suck, I can't run them off-road) 10 minutes in to the race flat. But wait, I have a 26" tube on a 29 rim. This is brain damage, pure hell to do at the side of the trail in a race. Fairly pissed at this point. I really think I could have hung on the group for a low teens finish, or cracked the top 10. Instead I swept up the dregs of the pro-field. I can't tell you how excited I was to do 5 miles of flat fire road by myself in to the wind. It was so nice to hear stories of how everybody worked together in wicked pace-line in that section, must have been nice.

Back at home. Tire exchange. Specialized does have a great tire warranty, so at least my ripped $65 tire is not a total loss, but the shop is on the other side of town and naturally they work on the highway on the weekends. So I got to experience some high quality gridlock, on a sunny 95 degree day. ( my a/c works like crap, a whole other saga)

New tires, and another role of Stan's tape. Guess what that tape don't stick unless the rim is fully dry and free from old Stan's. So thats an hour of scrubbing and waiting. Now this tape is too wide. The tire pushes the tape down the sidewall of the rim, exposing the spoke holes. It's almost comical at this point.

Day 3 screw it lets ride tubes. Let me remind you I can't ride tubes. two flats on this ride. Oh and the tube effed up one of the tape jobs. eff me in the Goat A$$.

Yesterday. I got one tire mounted tubless and happy. I started on the second rim. I got about 1/4 the way around the rim, and out of tape. I have no more emotions left.

Intern

How do I get an intern I'm supposed to keep busy? R they trying to make me shoot myself?

OK

I got bored enough to update my blog again, or maybe it's because I'm in a good mood? I had breakfast with my favorite dog. Maybe it was the early morning ball throwing?

CJ Sports Timing Hates Me

So I completed the first my "real" mtb race of the season and I was robbed of my result. How much more can I do when I talk to the official and confirm my finish. Just for the record I did not DNF Teva. They killed me at the National Championships, for $95 I just wanted a correct result. Way back in the day, they almost stole a race win from me. I must have pissed them off somewhere.

Burrito Packin Protocol

Stay tuned I'm working on a tortilla that will greatly simplify the packing of said burrito. Graphics and Diagrams to follow. But it basically is a tortilla with lines and color coding that enable you to properly fill a burrito, but yet still be able to properly roll it up. Oil spill in the Gulf? This is a real problem that needs to be solved.

The "Bless You"

I never have understood the "Bless You" Phenomenon. When you sneeze people will literally trip over themselves to say "Bless You". No matter how many times you sneeze they won't stop. I bet you could play a recording of a sneeze 6o times, and the people will say bless you, 60 times. It is a conditioned response, almost a little disturbing. How does the sneeze get this magical blessing? Isn't it just a normal body action? How come when you burp it is seen so negative, or God forbid rip a fart. Are those not similar body actions? In my opinion significantly less harmful. I don't believe a cold, or flu have ever been spread by farting. But the sanctified sneeze sending mucus and other viral muck at 120 mph is considered above the law and Saint like. Furthermore, everybody knows you sneezed and it has already interrupted what you were doing, why drag it out with a chorus of Bless You's. For the record I have never said Bless You, and don't expect me to start any time soon. Unless you are a really hot chick, and you want me to be sensitive.

Irony

Does anyone see anything wrong with this picture? It is a Ugandan 50,000 Shilling Note about $23.80 US. That will get you the best hotel in town with three meals, two 500ml beers at the bar, and and a slightly chilled afternoon Coca-Cola.

However it may not be as bad as this.

That'r right Obama Jeans.

Eye Pad

Apparently there is more than one witty person out there. Well done sir.

My current plan is to get one of these (the real one) and fasten it to the back of my head. It will display the back of my head to cover up all my web browsing from casual hall passers by. Option two is still the image of the back of my head, but attached to my seat. That way I won't even need to be in my office.

Actually Got Excited

So after looking through all 242 posted pictures of the Rabbit Valley Rally race, I actually got excited about MTB racing. It looked like fun, but I would have missed my foot powder day on my birthday. (not a bad trade-off) Colorado is pretty sweet. Powder in the morning and a warm sunny bike ride in the afternoon.

Not Forgotten

I was thinking the other day, I've neglected the blog. I guess I got out of the habit while in Uganda. I owe all of you heated blog posts about Boda Boda traffic lubricant, home-made Matoke, and how luck we are in the US regardless of the economy and who is president. However, I'm not sure what it is about Africa, but it seems like everyone wants to go back. Maybe it's just Uganda, but most of the people are just concerned about living rather than all the craziness that the world has in it. In all of the 14 days I was there, a 10 minute conversation stands out. A 50 year old man named Alex who runs the Namma orphanage described his water needs. He also talked about how much the climate had changed over his life (shorter rainy season and less predictable). He wanted to know why. Thats when it hit me. My 60 mile a day commute with a V8 engine might be killing somebody. Hows that for a reality check? You don't really think much about climate change when you get your water from a tap and your food from a store. But when all the water you get gets collected off of your roof you start to pay a little more attention.

Out Of Africa

From western Uganda to DIA only takes 44 hrs. I recommend Alcohol and Ambien, its the only way to travel. As soon as I get back on some kind of schedule I'll post more. But here are some compelling photos.

I was so close to this Chimp, I could have helped her eat those fruits.

I got within less than 10 feet of this guy. As you round the corner of a building when you are in the Savannah of Africa, and you hear a munching noise, it's sometimes better not to look. Just keep moving forward and try to let ignorance protect you from a 4000 lb wild hippopotamus.

The other dumb thing I heard

Since I'm leaving for 2+ weeks, a lot of people can't believe I have the time for vacation. This is how yo do it.

1. Schedule your vacation, say 5 months in advance

2. Every time someone issues a deadline, say I'm sorry I'm on vacation and that will not work.

3. If they don't change it say. I'm sorry you will not receive your deliverables from me during that time. I am on vacation the one I scheduled 5 months ago. I can get you what you need a week earlier, but I will not be available for review. I will be on vacation.

Trust me when you die, your dying wish will not be to spend one more day at the office answering emails.