Hilly's Hooker Service

I had the most impossible mechanical this weekend. My spare tube unravelled from it's taped position on my bike seat post. It then proceeded to wrap itself in my rear cassette creating the mythical "un-tieable knot" (this thing was serious) I wasn't winning the race, but I wasn't sucking either. I clocked a 7 minute mile in cycling shoes, humping (carrying) a bike. My bad luck was eclipsed by scottytime hitting an Elk on Berthoud pass. Apparently ass first, (would he have it any other way?)

Good thing Hilly's Hooker service was there to service us

In the end all were ok, well except for the elk. I bet it's not feeling so great after getting 2500 lbs of Sweedish Muscle rammed in its fertilizer spreader at 35 MPh's. The bright spot is I got to spend some more quality time with my favorite dog. He's a little sad his red car got hurt.

Secretly I have video of Scotties love of the moose/elk.

Ribbed For Her Pleasure

Fun With Google Earth

More than 14,500 marijuana plants were found Friday in this field in Pike National Forest near Deckers. Federal and local agents also discovered a rifle, piles of discarded garbage and propane tanks on the pot farm, which was the size of a football field. It could be the largest marijuana-growing operation ever found in Colorado. Two suspects, both illegal immigrants from Mexico, were arrested. (U.S. Forest Service)

I spent a good 2 hrs trying to find this site on Google Earth. No Luck, those guys are good.

Hey BooBoo

I'm smarter than the average bear. This dude got caught in the skate bowl near Snowmass. Good think he brought his own ladder. I betcha thats not on your multi-tool Bear Grylls.

Why the HC Stall is the best

It's not so much the grab rails that allow you to really grunt out a loaf, but it's the higher toilets. Not only do they allow people in need to move from a wheel chair to the toilet with relative ease, but they also prevent your legs from falling a sleep. I know this due to my three 20 minute visits daily. Furthermore if you have to purge while wearing ski boots, this is not a luxury but a necessity. Funny, when I googled a HC toilet compartment picture it returned an article on a "6-Man Compression Chamber" that is one link I don't want to click.

Tipperary Creek Race Summary

So I replied to all on a team email. My team is generally older than I and doesn't really get my humor. I found this out after I sent a response to the team about a bar-b-que. I offered to bring a cow, but needed someplace to store it while I raced, and a place to butcher it after. A couple of people thought I was serious, one wanted to ride it. So I'll post my description of the upcoming Tipperary Creek race course that I sent to the team. I mean it's how I saw it. Tell me honestly, doesn't the thought of elves in the woods, betting on if you screw up a trail obstacle they made, make you go faster?

Be glad, this takes out the Lower Cherokee climb. It was probably re-routed due to a monster tree that is down in that area. Serenity is, well serene. I road the course Saturday and it is in tip-top hardpack condition. There were three trees down on course, but I'm sure they will be removed by race time. One at the Tipperary descent, one at the the crux in WTB, and the Lower Cherokee climb (since eliminated). This course has two pinch points. Be at the front when you leave the road, 3.48 miles, to the Tipperary Trailhead. Their is a human eating rock on the left that funnels the entry. A quarter mile more is the stream crossing that marks the start of the climb proper. Their is a sucker line to the right, it looks like it promises dry passage. It was actually constructed by angry elves that play drinking games while they watch you eff it up! Hard charge through the 1" deep stream, a subtle front wheel lift will ease the transition. Settle in for 3.45 miles of 6-8% grade. When it flattens out for the last mile keep on the gas. You have 2 mile of DH and another four of flat to recover. Take no mercy on the DH, pass until there is no one left to pass. Get right up in their stuff and make them screw up. When you blow by them make something up like "your tire is sagging bro" At the road transition hammer to Flume, this is no time to sit down and spin, you must kill,kill,kill. Look where you want to go, and hit the roots perpendicular. If someone is sucking wheel, perfect you can run them in to a tree with a wide arced turn. What ever you do don't stop. The woods are infested with mosquitos the size of remote controlled helicopters. Some have collars, they are the pets of the elves. Chain saw is a quick climb, gut out the steep part, the DH returns shortly. Hammer through the Elk Meadow parking area, try to steel someone else's water bottle, this is war you must disrupt the enemy at all times. Elk Meadow, fairly flat, (elf hunting grounds, they are lazy and don't like hills) but D4 looms in the distance. With the removal of Lower Cherokee, you must attack here. Lock out your fork and stand this sucker up! It's only a mile, absorb the pain like cheep beer in college. After this your only remaining challenge is the climb out of WTB. This is an angry, pissed off ascent. The Native Americans constructed this trail as pay-back for killing all the Buffalo. Don't stop pedaling, don't zig-zag, don't surrender your line. If everything doesn't get fuzzy, your arms don't burn like your having heart-attack symptoms and there is no apparent drool stalactite developing from your chin, you are not going hard enough! D3 awaits, pretend you are water moving down the mountain, that is the fastest line. Hard right to Vasquez road, this is a drag strip. This is not the time to be squeamish, your already involved in the crime go all the way, grab your bars and pretend to be aero as you turn over a big gear. Shift down, slow up a bit and barrel through the left side of Vasquez Creek. (Walking is for people that can't afford bikes) Look to your right and there is a trail that bypasses the monster water hole, however don't wait in line for the thing. Split the puddle if necessary, be sure to get some Giardia rich water in the mouthes of your competition, that will slow em down for cross season. Barrel down Blue-sky, keep it real over Ice Hill. The Ice Hill descent is really wide now, no brakes, cut a couple of corners. Hop the tree, just raise your front wheel, speed will do the rest. Drop your bottles and power through Serenity. (give thanks you don't have to climb Cherokee). Sprint the road, cut far right at the base area turn, that will run your attacker in to a giant rut. Head down and skid your tire in to the bar code lady at the end. Eat twelve chocolate chip cookies, and three bottles of purple drink, you deserve it. You are a warrior!

One person already replied that they don't know how to keep it real, well if you don't you're not ever going to know.

Keepin it real, MFK.

Revelation

Kurt Vonnegut was right, this is kinda what an a-hole looks like.

I'm Impressed

Dopers!

Circular Reference

I emailed the IT department asking how if the email was down,how did I get an email letting me know the email was down. I have not gotten a response. Maybe the email is down.

Accelerator Pedal

I recently installed an accelerator pedal to my bicycle, or at least it feels that way. IS my theory of chill training, and stomaching lackluster results all year, for September glory working out? I pre-rode the Winter Park, Tipperary Creek course right at 2 hrs. Not bad for taking two wrong turns, back-tracking, and climbing over downed trees.

Day of Irony

Irony #1

So I signed up for an all day class, it is on delegation. The idea is to enhance your time management skills, and learn how to delegate responsibilities. I'm taking it because I have nothing to do. I can't wait to see how much more efficient I'm going to be.

Irony #2
My IT department sent an email stating the email system was down. If it is down, how did they send the email?

Just for fun I'm going to start the rumor that my friend Scott was playing with his dog (the four-legged kind) dressed in his wife's clothing.

A new level

So I'm so bored at work I have changed my Netflix preference back to DVD from Blue-ray, and changed the shipping address to my work address. This way I can watch the movies at work on my PC.

It's About Performance

TwitterBitch.com

Yes, that is my new idea. I will be your "twitter bitch". I will do your tweets for you and make your life seam more interesting.

My day so far

7:30 Arrive at work

7:30-9:00 Draw my kitchen with the IKEA home planner

9:00-9:30 Solid internet surfing

9:31 respond to one email because somebody can't read.

9:32-9:45 RestRoom

9;45-10:30 solid internet work and try to mesh a picture of Fat Lance to Skinny Lance Armstrong

10:30 walked around tho office

10:40 waiting for lunch

Okay Mt. Falcon is

the destination. My fitness has come back after a 12 month vacation. It has brought me the legs of a thoroughbred horse. I think I'll take them out and sleigh a couple of friends.

That's right I think I'm going to go ride up Falcon as fast as I can. Hikers, Deer, Bobcats, Grouse be damned and get the eff out of my way. In fact I thik I will fashion them in to a "just-married, wedding like car trailer" dragging their bodies behind me.

Christmas, New Years, and the 4th of July in one

No I'm not talking about the Vietnamese holiday of Tet, but the bi-annual Patagonia sale. This year it was/is particularly awesome. Everything was 50% off and some stuff 60%. Sadly I didn't meet my wife at this years event. When you wait in line for the doors to open, only hard core climber chicks are there. The ones that look like they have fallen a couple of times. I was hoping for more of the hot professional types looking for a $400 rain coat to go bar hopping in. Fortunately that leaves Whole Foods and Two-Elk Lodge to find Mrs. MFK. The high-light was the belt that should have been full price was reduced %60 by a carefully placed smile.

Intimidation Factor?

Check out these pics. It looks like (Kabush and Sam Jurkovich) are about to get ran the eff over on their little 26" bikes. It's the old objects in mirror are closer, larger then they appear thing.

You're good at something

So I spent close to 11 hours on the bike this weekend and I thought I'd share with you some random thoughts I had. One was if you live to be 90 you will have spent 30 years of your life sleeping. I'm 33 so if I live that long I'm just a toddler still pooing my pants. Also some people say they aren't good at anything. I beg to differ if you poo once a day, in my case 33 x 365 = 12,045, you've got to be good at it by now. So If I live to be 90 thats 30 years sleeping, a good 15 years sleeping at work, and a solid 44 days strait on the toilet.

On a completely different note, I saw a Bob Cat on Mt. Falcon's Parmalee Gulch trail. He looked really soft and fuzzy. I like Bob Cats much better than Mt. Lions. With a Bob Cat you don't immediately get the sinking feeling that they can eat you. Funny how the fight or flight response works.

Not Recommended

I wouldn't recommend this if you are married or live with your girlfriend. However, seeing how the closest I get to women is the internet, it's not really a big deal for me. My bike has had a mystery creak for a month or so. I was convinced some sort of uni-cellular life form was living in my pedals. It is most likely unknown to science, living off of Pedro's grease and trapped dust. Sunday morning I deemed it necessary to clean everything. This is when I let you know my front porch gets direct sunlight and promptly heats up to foot scorching temperatures, thus I decided to do the work in an air-conditioned climate, my kitchen.

It worked out well, endless supply of hot, soapy water and coffee. I also had the sprayer nozzle to blast away grit and grime. In the end I had a gleaming drive train, pedals, and pivot points. The creak is gone, but my garbage disposal now has the creak.

Pretty Close

to the best idea ever.

The Automatic Pancake Machine. 200 pancakes per hour at max capacity, this should easily keep up with my 20 per hour consuming rate.

IKEA Beyotches!

I'd like to pretend I'm a Beaver

Yes,would it be possible for anyone to grind up a tree (hardwood if possible, cherry, apple, or walnut preferably) and compress the gris in to chewy blocks? I could then chew on them at work. That way I would be "busy as a beaver". I also think the slightly abrasive nature of the wood pulp would clean and whiten my teeth at the same time, making me more attractive to other beavers.